Like any professional athlete, when a major announcement needs to be made, I look to my PR staff for the right words to explain what I'm feeling. Because I'm not always intelligent enough to come up with them on my own. Unfortunately, my PR staff had this to say:
I don't know how he's still getting paid.
Anyway. In case any of you don't constantly scroll the inter webs searching for "Tiffany OCHO Weimer," I recently found out that I tore my ACL. Which is still really ridiculous to type, or say, or comprehend. This means I'm out for the 2014 season.
At this point, I've looked over the grieving chart several times to figure out what part of the process I'm experiencing and what comes next. I'm kind of still in denial. (No, not swimming in the river). Sometimes, usually when I'm sitting, I forget that it happened, then I go to move and remember.
Sometimes I try to find humor in it -- like ACLOL. Sometimes I get really emotional and start to cry out of nowhere, like when I got out of the pool yesterday and realized that just because I could walk in water (well, on water too) that getting out would be a huge reality check when all my weight came back onto my legs.
Sometimes I realize I took things for granted. Like when a 3-year-old now beats me walking up the stairs and with a devilish smile declares "I win" because I did that to him for the past 2 years of his life.
So I'm not sure what process I'm really in. I think I go back and forth between all of them a little bit. The major ones are "I got this" and "holy shit, I'm scared" - which I think is natural.
I know that might be a shock to many people, because it might not seem like I would be scared of anything, but this is so new, so life-changing and so not cool, that yes, I am very scared.
All the cliches come into play when something like this happens. "You'll be better from it" "everything happens for a reason" "God only gives you what you can handle" "You don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore" "ACLs are stupid" … the last one is the only one I believe in.
The rest I will believe when it's done I'm sure. But if I look too far ahead, I'll miss the experience. I'll miss taking in every emotion that will come with this thing. And I want to feel every ounce of it. I'm not going to ignore anything I feel. The frustration, the depression, the exhilaration of small victories, the growth of my mental strength. I don't know what comes with it, I'm just guessing. But I'm not letting it go by me without grabbing it and taking it in.
I quote this man more than anyone else in my life, but eff, he is just right on all the time, I can't help it. If you have the patience and time - please read this: Letter 8 (just a coincidence) - it's just good solid advice.
I'm sure I'll write a lot. And read a lot. And try to eat healthy. And watch soccer. And go over on my data each month. But aside from coming back fit and mentally stable, I'm going to support the hell out of the Washington Spirit.
That's my team. That's what I'm going to fight to come back for. To be on the field with those players, with that coaching staff, in front of those fans.
When they do well, it builds me up just a little more inside. It motivates me a little more. So what I'm saying is, you should cheer for the Spirit. Because then you're cheering for me.
And we both need it.
Thanks to everyone who has already been so supportive and so inspiring and so invested in getting me back out there. I know this isn't the end of the world and I am fully aware that life can be so much worse. All I can do is live by my experiences, the thoughts in my head and the emotions in my heart. For me right now, it's hard as hell. If it weren't, then everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it… haha jk. FUCK ACLs! LET'S GO SPIRIT.